The CURE manifesto

We’ve submitted our application to the electoral commission, which is exciting. As part of this, we had to include our manifesto. We wanted to say “well, it’s obvious: no-one is taking the rights of Zombies seriously, you idiots” but thought that probably wouldn’t get CURE approved as a political party.

So instead, we came up with these, which are pretty good:

* To give the undead equal rights to the living
* To make cemeteries more comfortable for its inhabitants
* To implement a robust social integreation programme for the undead, curing society of its prejudices
* To increase the minimum statutory retirement age to beyond death
* To permit the marriage of living and the undead

Anything to add, comrades?

26 comments to The CURE manifesto

  • Concerned

    You claim to support zombie rights and recognition, yet you’re looking for a cure? Are you ashamed of zombie status? So zombies are all fine so long as lifers don’t become one.

    Disgusting hypocrisy.

  • Rob Farrington

    To abolish any and all laws against necrophilia, as long as both partners consent.

    OK, call me old-fashioned, but I’d prefer it if they were at least married first. I’m not about to self-righteously shove my morals down anyone else’s throat, though. I’m not THAT kind of Christian, thank God!

  • Annon

    What a ridiculous waste of affairs.

  • ‘To invest in the discovery of a cure for Zombie bites’, a cure for zombie bites? Hell no.

  • Kyle Fox

    A dedicated undead dental plan, maybe even NHS. ZHS.

  • Drake Moresley

    Annon is right, if you’re going to have an affair, do it with someone young and hot, I think the undead make better “long-term” partners.

  • concerned you are a fool

    They’re not looking for a cure, but ‘Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality’ quite clearly stands for CURE, fool!

  • Firstly; ‘Annon’ (which I assume is a clumsy typographical misrepresentation of Anonymous?), how does one ‘waste’ their ‘affairs’?

    To suggest that something can be wasted is to also, by implication, suggest that it is in some way quantitative; in that a certain, undefined amount of ‘affairs’ can be employed uselessly. Given that ‘affairs’ are notional, nondescript and are not in any way estimable, your assertion is quite incorrect and therefore effectively disqualifies your critical opinion.

    In any case, your implicit ignorance of the inevitable Zombie apocalypse is obviously informed by cinematic inexperience. Should you still be in any doubt as to the likelihood and implication of said apocalypse, may I suggest you educate your sorry self in the ways of the undead before declaring CURE’s efforts wasteful, lest you be faced with no less than your deserved share of derision from all CURE supporters at the exact point when a (newly empowered) Zombie decides to eat your face for lunch.

  • concerned is not a fool! you fool!

    * To invest in the discovery of a cure for Zombie bites

    read it, its in the manifesto!!

  • bite me

    perhaps a cost effective cure for zombie bites would be a human muzzle? made of bound leather or some sort of experimental polly fibre alloy?

  • concerned you are a fool you are a 'tard

    They are looking for a cure – it’s the third point in their manifesto

  • MCM

    Intially a good idea – supporting zombie rights – its right up there with global warming as far as im concerned – and the sex? well surely it would be reminiscent of Nine Inch Nails 2000 album “Things Falling Apart”

  • Tevildo

    How about adding BRAIIIIIINS to the official “5-a-day” list? And, incidentally, “To make cemeteries more comfortable for their inhabitants” or “To make every cemetery more comfortable for its inhabitants”.

    “The secret will keep you alive…”

  • Longus Cay Nine

    Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality sounds like a wonderful idea in theory but surely in this p.c. age it seems wrong to only be talking about Zombies. What of other undead such as Vampires? And where do you draw the line – are anthropomorphic personifications and spirits in general permitted to join. Just thought I’d point this out so that one did not fall foul of any anti-dicrimination legislation preventing a thoroughly deserved seat or two in parliament.

  • nathaniel luke baker

    nice one. you have my vote, even though i am 16 hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  • james divall

    at least undead sex would be quiet

  • jonathan cain

    Are you mad? This is crazy! The only good zombie is a dead zombie. Yer sure, find a cure, but we’re talking zombies here. Theyre not like in the funny comic books, partly intelligent and capable of rational thought. Zombies are, in reality, mindless creatures hell bent on feasting on human flesh, with only one definite way of stopping them, and thats destroying their brain any way possible.

    You can argue until you’re blue in the face but the fact is, if you spend your time trying to integrate them and look after them, you’ll be one in no time and Ill be one of the ones who has to clean up your mess.

  • dave gresham

    At last!

    After years of ceaseless ‘campaigning’ zombies have an election manifesto worthy of them. They are an important part of Britain today, and many are forced to work in the lucrative but highly dangerous video games and b movie trade. Millions of zombies die every year in accidents on the sets of these undeath traps, and to have a political party recgnise their rights is a big thing.


  • Henners

    “To increase the minimum statutory retirement age to beyond death”

    So, are you saying that one will have to pass on before one can claim on their pension? As it is common knowledge, it is not a guarantee that one will become a Zombie after death so what if I die and do not rise from the grave? Will there be insurance to cover such an eventuality?

    Also studies suggest that the Zombie ‘infection’ (unlike a Vampire) is not hereditary, so what guarantee do my offspring receive in case of their own deaths?

  • NickMon68

    New Polices:
    * Stop unfair representation in video games
    * Stop the sale of guns to be used againist zombies especially shot guns
    * Critical illness cover (for loss of body parts)
    * Travel insurance (the cars cause major damage)
    * Free travel on public transport (its takes to long to limp anywhere)
    * Free Gym membership (to keep those bits still connected in good use)
    * Supermarkets to stock roast, dried, and sandwichs featuring brain contents

  • Mr. Anonymous

    A zombie-exclusive group should be set up to encourage zombie art and to stimulate zombie culture. This can include:

    Zombie paintings (use of paint optional)
    Zombie choirs
    Zombie literature, for those who were not hungry enough to eat their own fingers
    Zombie bands – current living (and dead-sympathetic) examples include Rob Zombie, Ozzy Osbourne and Britney Spears

  • Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by JonnyDistracts: If you’re stuck for a vote, it’s OK, you can vote for the rights of Zombies:

  • White Zombie (not BNP associate)

    Last year a bunch of zombies moved into the lay-by just up the road from my house. 28 days later and the whole the neighbourhood had gone from a from a sleepy suburban town to a something from house of 1000 corpses. It was delightful.

  • Zombie Master

    As far as giving more rights to zombies and putting policies in place to generate better living circumstances for Zombies I can only say I disagree. As a Zombie Master I feel that I, and I only, should be the person controlling the welfare of the Zombies under my rule. For starters, it is widely accepted that Nick Clegg is a Zombie and will no doubt look to radically reform the wage structure thatis in place (currently 1 turnip a week and a bowl of cat brains). The bottom line is most Zombies arr brainless (they have useless eaten their own) and as such should not be given a vote. We allowed women the vote years ago, lets not make the same mistake again.


  • Recently Turned


    (Apologies I’m going to have to cut this short – my zombie friend could not continue, his hands have fallen off again and he doesn’t like typing with his stumps)

  • Lesley Dove

    Here is a joke you might like (or not)

    What do vegan zombies eat?


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