THE GRUMPY OLD MEN AND WOMEN POLITICAL PARTY
Well-intentioned farts and influential minority groups have, between them, managed to shame, bully, and trick the public into accepting a culture of compensation, multiculturalism, political correctness, human rights excesses, consumer acquisitiveness and gross indebtedness. They've persuaded the public to roll over and accept/tolerate a legal system that favours the criminal element by ignoring common sense and blindly pursues the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law. They've allowed the Lying Mad-Dog Media to brainwash the tiny little minds of the public into believing it's OK to consume drink and drugs to excess and conduct themselves in public in a loutish and violent antisocial manner. They've encouraged juvenile snots to defy, disrespect and humiliate parents, teachers and our Boys and Girls in Blue with impunity. They've burdened the nation with a rights-without-responsibility benefit-dependent culture that is undermining the work ethic and causing the breakdown of traditional family structures and values. They're to blame for unacceptable levels of immigration and the existence of a political elite obsessed with power, influence, votes and jobs (their jobs) to the exclusion of all else. They've deprived society of the disciplinary tools required to effectively control/educate our children and punish Britain's louts, villains, and homicidal maniacs. Worse, they're bankrupting the nation by imposing ever-increasing levels of bureaucratic and politically correct regulations upon our business community – an institution upon which we all depend to generate wealth and jobs.
No problem. The Grumpies, a bold and innovative new breed of exceptionally good-looking men and women will, immediately after having seized power, swiftly resolve the nation's many and varied problems, right all wrongs and transform Britain into a winner.
We'll end spurious and outrageous claims (and payments) for compensation
Greed, envy and other unmentionables lurk within most of us, just waiting to be released, but most of us didn't release them until 1999 when fat-fingered lawyers craftily imported the compensation scam plaguing the USA into Britain by way of The Access to Justice Act. It was presented as a respectable instrument for justice by the Establishment but was quickly seized by ambulance-chasing representatives of the legal profession to offer no-win no-fee arrangements to anybody with half a chance of receiving a generous out of court compensation settlement for damages, real or imagined. We'll repeal the 1999 Access to Justice Act and substantially reduce levels of compensation awards to claimants.
We'll support multiculturalism – within reason
Foreigners coming to live in Britain may want to gather together and introduce some of the traditions to which they've been accustomed in their own country for many years. That's OK but we'll not tolerate the existence of no-go ghettoes or the introduction of customs and laws that are at odds with British customs and laws.
We'll stamp out that revolting new species, the Politically Correct
Nobody but the loonyPCfringe gave a rat's arse about political correctness until a few overly sensitive farts and fartesses began to champion the cause of a few overly sensitive minority groups. Then some very greedy lawyers spotted the amount of money being trousered whenever political correctness and compensation were mentioned in the same breath and promptly transformed a minor malady into a major disaster. The nation's lunaticPCfringe are now able, simply by donning the politically correct mantle and playing the racist, feminist or human rights card to humble and possibly ruin those who once used to deride/scorn them.
We'll limit the abuse of our Human Rights laws
There's nothing wrong with our human rights laws other than the fact too many fat-fingered lawyers and their clients are using and abusing them to avoid justice and make outrageous and/or spurious claims for compensation. It's costing the business community £billions every year in litigation costs, lost production time and the salaries/fees paid to the army of human resource specialists who now have to be employed to deal with the many and varied complexities of these laws. Human rights issues are the cause of an incalculable reduction in the level of goodwill and loyalty that once existed between employers and employees and have contributed significantly to the difficulties experienced by decent hardworking folk attempting to secure a job - especially women.
We'll curb blind consumer acquisitiveness and levels of indebtedness
It might, at first sight, appear to be in the interests of government and business for everybody to spend (and borrow) ever-increasing amounts of money each year. It isn't. Britain's level of indebtedness is ruining lives, weakening our economy and exposing us to the whims of other, stronger and possibly hostile nations. The Grumpies will transform Britain into the sort of winner that doesn't depend on everybody having to go deeper and deeper into debt every year.
We'll ensure the spirit and intent of the law (as well as the letter) is observed
In the 19th century literalist judge Lord Tenterden stipulated that the letter rather than the spirit of the law should be followed, "Regardless of the consequences." A major consequence is that certain members of the legal profession who believe 'it's the role of any good lawyer to find breaches in the law and exploit them' are now busy trousering huge fees for helping louts, villains and homicidal maniacs to avoid justice and claim compensation simply by demanding the letter rather than the spirit or intent of the law must be applied at all times. Unfortunately, given the legal profession's position as one of the nation's most influential and accomplished lobbyists (they're drinking pals and/or personally related to virtually everybody who walks the corridors of power) the situation looks set to remain unchanged for another couple of centuries unless somebody challenges them. But nobody, other than the Grumpies, have any intention whatsoever of challenging them.
We'll persuade the Lying Mad-Dog Media to become a major force for good
The Lying Mad-Dog Media, supported by big business are, unquestionably, the most powerful and most influential minority group in the land. They possess the money, the contacts, the talent and the know-how to manipulate the tiny little minds of the public in whatever direction they consider to be in their best interests. The Grumpy Old Men & Women Political Party will persuade the Lying Mad-Dog Media it's in their best interests to reverse their propaganda machine and create role models who will extol the virtues of honesty, compassion, honour, respect, loyalty and the work ethic. Peer pressure will, once again, feature large in determining how we all conduct ourselves.
We'll discourage antisocial binge drinking
Nobody is going to disagree about the need to curb antisocial binge drinking. The Grumpies will curb it by ending round-the-clock drinking, stopping clubs and supermarkets selling cheap booze, imposing meaningful fines on all drunks requiring hospital treatment and incarcerating those who physically assault hospital staff.
We'll end the current cult of disrespect and loutish behaviour
Louts, villains and young hooligans are, mostly, decent folk who have been duped by the self-appointed protectors of our human rights and freedoms into believing antisocial behaviour and/or a life of crime to be an exciting, rewarding and pain-free occupation. Few of these potentially rotten apples in the nation's barrel are inherently evil. They're just bored. Wrecking their immediate environment and frightening little old ladies is what they do to keep themselves occupied/amused. Truth is most of them, having been exposed for a short spell to our ever-so-caring but totally merciless new Attila-the-Hun style regime of fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death, will be disabused of earlier beliefs and will want to think at least twice before deciding that abusing their teachers, neighbours or neighbourhood to be a wise investment of their time.
We'll legalise the use of drugs
Drug addicts desperate to finance their habit are responsible for over half of all property crime in the UK. Legalising drugs isn't going to resolve every problem related to drug addiction but it will ensure fewer people die from exposure to impure drugs, reduce the incidence of drug-based crime, save Britain £billions in wasteful law enforcement (total crime, health and other social costs of heroin and cocaine use in England and Wales in 2003/04 was considered to be in the region of £17 billion) and release more of out Boys and Girls in Blue to pursue real villains.
We'll reform our rights-without-responsibility benefit-dependent culture
Britain is an island with limited resources. We have no option other than to compete with other nations and win (or at least not lose). Unfortunately, Britain has a benefit-dependent culture that discourages the work ethic and limits our ability (our desire even) to compete. The Socially Challenged have long-since spotted they can make more money by staying at home than by going to work, particularly if they can make a few extra quid on the side robbing old ladies and selling drugs etc. Work-shy parasites, liars, thieves and cheats flagrantly play the benefit system to their advantage and the taxpayer's disadvantage. Young girls are encouraged to have children and live off the state. And the rest of the world beats a path to our welcoming door for a bite of our overly generous benefit cherry. That must all change. Whilst the Grumpies are committed to the notion that civilised nations should provide good food, clothing, shelter and much more to the genuinely disadvantaged, we're committed to providing not-so-good food, clothing and shelter (and nothing more) to those who can work but choose not to do so. Anybody out of a job after one month (including all teenagers) will be given the opportunity to earn good money by volunteering to help in one of our many and varied community projects. Those who choose not to volunteer will receive nothing other than the sort of food, clothing and shelter calculated to encourage them to want something better for themselves and their families.
We'll reintroduce traditional family structures, values and commitments
It's good, overall, that society has changed and moved on but everybody knows that in so doing we have lost something of real value that existed when the family unit was closer, more committed and more supportive of one another. We'll attempt to regain and retain the values that have been lost.
We'll fast-track illegal immigrants and bogus asylum seekers
Immigrants should be applauded and admired for having the guts and the good sense to leave home and travel the world seeking a better job/life for themselves and their families. They're an object lesson to all the fit and healthy Brits who prefer to sit at home and continue to live off the state rather than seek work further afield. The Grumpies will, however, take steps to ensure illegal immigrants and bogus asylum seekers are identified and swiftly returned from whence they came without incurring the time, effort and £millions in legal fees so beloved by our politicians and lawyers. Human rights immigration laws, which have somehow reduced our politicians and judges to a state of near death paralysis, will be challenged by the Grumpies to the limit and beyond.
We'll curtail the political elite's obsession with votes and jobs
If we're to make enough money to pay our way, subsidise the less fortunate amongst us and help contribute to other, less fortunate nations we need a leader at the helm with a proven track record of creating jobs and making money for large enterprises. The Grumpies will introduce a new electoral system that will ensure Britain always has a competent leader at the helm with the knowledge, experience and ability to properly run the country - not some callow career politician who has never experienced the cut and thrust of business life at the sharp end after leaving university let alone fought his or her way to the top of the tree and made a name for themselves creating jobs and making money for a number of large corporations.
We'll introduce the judicious use of corporal punishment
It isn't possible for teachers to properly teach, or children to properly learn, in a classroom constantly disrupted by young hooligans who know their rights - especially those familiar with the fact that nobody in authority will dare attempt to forcibly control them for fear of ending up in court with their careers put on hold or in shreds. Children, rightly so, despise teachers and society at large for lacking the authority and the resolve to meaningfully punish them. None of us want our children to be physically punished but, given the appalling level to which their classroom behaviour has sunk since corporal punishment was abolished and the detrimental effect this is having upon the learning process, perhaps we should all stop indulging our own (very selfish) finer feelings and do what has to be done to ensure our children aren't being deprived of a proper education. Even the most dim-witted amongst us know that most children want, need and expect parents and teachers to introduce them to, and painfully reinforce, a set of reasonable ground rules (boundaries) they readily understand and know must be obeyed. When they break those rules, as all good kids with an ounce of spirit in them will occasionally do, they expect to be meaningfully punished. Young rebels without a cause who consistently break the ground rules will be removed to a Grumpy Centre of Learning where they'll come to appreciate that rights have to be earned and the rights of others have to be respected. Ineffectual parents and teachers unable to control or gain the respect of their young charges will also attend a Grumpy Centre of Learning.
We'll reintroduce capital punishment
Those who believe capital punishment won't save lives are clearly unaware that, according to the Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State Lord West of Spithead (Lords Hansard text 18th June 2008), the lives of 116 people were extinguished between 1963 and 2007 by murderers released from jail after having served their sentence. And that figure doesn't include who knows how many further victims killed by murderers who originally managed to avoid conviction on the grounds of insanity but who were subsequently released. The Grumpies will ensure convicted murderers never kill again. We'll also satisfy victim's dependent's (and society's) need for revenge and save the nation £billions by not having to accommodate convicted murderers and/or those who persist in committing unacceptable acts of violence against innocent members of the public.
We'll remove bureaucratic red tape from the business community
Of the 4.8 million business enterprises in the UK 4.3 million of them employ less than 4 staff. The owner/managers of most of those 4.3 million would be enthusiastic about expanding their business and employing more staff were it not for the fact they possess neither the knowledge nor the skill to properly comply with the mysteries of employment legislation, particularly the many and varied procedural complexities related to maternity, discrimination and compensation. Nor can they afford to employ professional HR staff that do. We'll reduce unemployment levels by a million and more within a couple of years simply by removing several layers of bureaucratic red tape gobbledygook from the business community.
We'll deal very harshly with those who are cruel to defenceless animals
There are those amongst us who appear to think it's OK to be cruel to defenceless animals. The Lying Mad-Dog Media will assist us in making everybody aware from a an early age that it isn't OK; that all decent folk are universally appalled by such cowardly acts of cruelty and that those who engage in such sickening behaviour will be punished in a manner which reflects the full weight of society's sense of disgust and revulsion for their actions.